I've been wanting to post again for a few days now but there is so much on my mind. It's hard when your life moves at 120 mph to slow down and just think things through. Something I've been struggling with a lot is judging myself. I look at the way people typically treat each other and think "there is no way that person doesn't think this about me." I put so much pressure on myself to do better and be better, but sometimes you just have to take things one day at a time.
My biggest fear, of course, spawns from not being able to give Ayla everything she deserves. I work 45-50 hours a week and still seem to be drowning. I push myself past exhausted and work through the pain, which isn't outside of normal for people now.
I struggle a lot with feeling like I should have another parental roll for Ayla, like she deserves better than just me. Which leads into the main point of this post.
The main reason most of my relationships don't work out is because I worry. I worry about if they could be a parent to Ayla or if they even want kids or if they ever had the potential to hurt me or her and then next thing you know, I find myself pulling away from the person even though they haven't done anything wrong. When I find someone I really do like, I fight for them. I fight too hard too early because I am so afraid to lose whatever good thing I have going and it consistently drives the other person away. I don't know that I can say I have ever been in a truly healthy relationship.
People see me and I feel like there is no way they could ever get past my flaws or my past. I drown in fear of someone knowing who I really am. The only person who does is Kendra, my best friend. I've somehow managed to drive everyone else away.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt is such an obsticle for me to over come. I fight and fight with myself, trying to just relax and see where things go, but it's important to love yourself before getting involved with someone. I don't really know how to do that, but it's important to try. You have to be okay being alone before a relationship will work.
I recently met someone, and I'm not sure if it will work out because I have myself worrying again that they don't feel the same level of attraction to me as I do them. But why can't I just be confident in who I am? I want Ayla to see that and know that she doesn't need someone else to make her happy. Because no one does. Having someone around to make you smile should be a perc, but your happiness shouldn't depend on it. That's the lesson I need to learn this week.
My biggest fear, of course, spawns from not being able to give Ayla everything she deserves. I work 45-50 hours a week and still seem to be drowning. I push myself past exhausted and work through the pain, which isn't outside of normal for people now.
I struggle a lot with feeling like I should have another parental roll for Ayla, like she deserves better than just me. Which leads into the main point of this post.
The main reason most of my relationships don't work out is because I worry. I worry about if they could be a parent to Ayla or if they even want kids or if they ever had the potential to hurt me or her and then next thing you know, I find myself pulling away from the person even though they haven't done anything wrong. When I find someone I really do like, I fight for them. I fight too hard too early because I am so afraid to lose whatever good thing I have going and it consistently drives the other person away. I don't know that I can say I have ever been in a truly healthy relationship.
People see me and I feel like there is no way they could ever get past my flaws or my past. I drown in fear of someone knowing who I really am. The only person who does is Kendra, my best friend. I've somehow managed to drive everyone else away.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt is such an obsticle for me to over come. I fight and fight with myself, trying to just relax and see where things go, but it's important to love yourself before getting involved with someone. I don't really know how to do that, but it's important to try. You have to be okay being alone before a relationship will work.
I recently met someone, and I'm not sure if it will work out because I have myself worrying again that they don't feel the same level of attraction to me as I do them. But why can't I just be confident in who I am? I want Ayla to see that and know that she doesn't need someone else to make her happy. Because no one does. Having someone around to make you smile should be a perc, but your happiness shouldn't depend on it. That's the lesson I need to learn this week.
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