Life as a Young Single Mom

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a very long time. My heart was completely shattered by Ayla's father, Seth. For a few weeks now, he had made the choice to be in Ayla's life and pay child support and work together with me to raise Ayla so that she had both of her parents in her life. Everything seemed to be going well and we were kind and I even let him meet Ayla. It was only for an hour at a McDonald's, just so he could see her and he and I could have our first face to face interaction since I was 3-4 months pregnant. It was nerve wracking to see him and I had to rein in a lot of harbored anger I had towards him for abandoning us. I had decided that forgiveness was the best way to approach the situation, for Ayla's sake. This man is a runner, so I knew if I confronted him on his inappropriate behavior he would just walk away again. This entire time I have been kind and understanding, and I had made the choice to put the past behind us and try to ev...

Tomorrow I meet with Ayla's dad to talk everything over... to say I'm scared is an understatement. People kept telling me what I should do and what I should say and whether or not I should ask for child support and how much and how often I should let him see her, if at all. People just have so many opinions on what they believe is the right thing to do. I just want to say that I understand you are just trying to help and be kind, but you have to understand that it's my choice. A lot of people say "just take him to court, they'll figure it out." But why would I do that if he and I agree on what needs to be done? Everyone wants to tell me what to do and while I am a patient woman, my patience is wearing thin. I'm going to do what I believe is right. I'm not asking for your permission or your opinion when I open up to talk about what is going on in my life, I'm just looking for someone to listen. Listening is such a huge thing! It's the majority...

I apologize for not posting in a while. The last few weeks have been a lot. I finally contacted Aylas grandparents on her fathers side and they are AMAZING! We are so lucky that they are such kind and generous people. They instantly welcomed Ayla and I into their family and made it clear that I was as welcome as Ayla was. We talked at length and spent time getting to know each other before deciding how we wanted to proceed. It turns out, Aylas father, Seth, never told his parents around Ayla so they were completely shocked when I contacted them. They were angry and hurt but also so excited to meet their granddaughter. Everything has been so crazy since then and my stress level has been unreal... there have been a lot of tears and breaking out and breaking down from everyone involved. Seth and his fiancé just had a bevy, Adella who is only a few weeks old. His parents knew things weren't going to be pretty when he told her the truth but we have all been praying for the best. Abou...

I've been wanting to post again for a few days now but there is so much on my mind. It's hard when your life moves at 120 mph to slow down and just think things through. Something I've been struggling with a lot is judging myself. I look at the way people typically treat each other and think "there is no way that person doesn't think this about me." I put so much pressure on myself to do better and be better, but sometimes you just have to take things one day at a time. My biggest fear, of course, spawns from not being able to give Ayla everything she deserves. I work 45-50 hours a week and still seem to be drowning. I push myself past exhausted and work through the pain, which isn't outside of normal for people now. I struggle a lot with feeling like I should have another parental roll for Ayla, like she deserves better than just me. Which leads into the main point of this post. The main reason most of my relationships don't work out is because I w...

So, when I was in high school, I was bullied and teased a lot. I was that girl that everyone picked on. I was too fat, then too thin, then repulsive, then a whore, and so many other things. What a lot of people don't know is that I believed every word people said about me. I hated myself and kept changing to make people like me, but they would just find new names to call me. High school is rough, for almost everyone. No one really feels like they fit in. This post is going to be a lot more personal, and I am going to talk about something I have been hiding for years. When I was 14, I had a friend who I was head over heels for. He lived down the street from me and we rode the bus together every day. He was absolutely gorgeous (and still is). All I wanted was for him to notice me. One day, after school, we were hanging out in the green belt by his house, sitting against a wall tossing pebbles at a tree. We were just talking about life and school and whatever, until out of no where...

Dating as a mom is one of the toughest challenges I've ever had to face. It's not at all like dating without kids. There are so many favors that play into it, most of which have more to do with your child than with your relationship itself. The hardest part for me personally is finding a good pace for the relationship. No matter who you date, you always have to look at them as a potential parent for your child because if they aren't safe or don't even like kids, what are you doing in that relationship?? Then there is deciding when they can't meet your baby and learning to try to trust someone with something more valuable than your own life. When I say "look at them as a potential parent, I don't mean have them take on rolls or picture yourself growing old and having a family with that person, which is really easy to do. As a young mom, my hormones are constantly up and down and it is really easy for me to get attached to someone. What helps me not to thro...

My name is Cierra Trayner, and I am mostly starting this blog for myself. I am 20 years old and have a little girl, Ayla James who is turning one on Monday, April 10. And while she is the light of my life, being a single mom is really hard. This post will be mainly talking about who I am and just a little about my situation. I was in my freshman year of college at Arizona State as a Chemical Engineering major when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't even know until i was 9 weeks (2 months), I thought I simply had a bad case of  the stomach flu. One of my closest friends, Sarah picked me up and was with me when I took the test. When it came up positive she told me about this group she was part of called Younglives ( a subdivision of Younglife for young mommas). She brought me to my first meeting and introduces me to other young moms and helped me a lot through a really hard time. I am not lying when I say that Younglives saved my daughters life. I am the mom I am today because of...